Barney and The Matrix
by ZephyrLemon
Summary: Okay, as much as this sounds lame, i promise it's funny to anyone who has ever endured the torture of that purple beast. Warning: Not appropreate for anyone who actually enjoys singing the "I love you" theme song.


A/N: I do not have anything against something that keeps a rambunctious two year old occupied for at least a short time, but seriously, it gets on my nerves. So this is me venting about my distaste for the big purple dinosaur and majorly slashing the Agents in the process. Hehe it's a win-win situation.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own jack squat of this stuff. Not that I would want anything to do with Barney...  
  
  
Proof of the Parallels Between Barney and the Agents in the Matrix  
7/18/01  
  
Little kids adore him. They flock to his large, purple self like geese to an opened bag of bread. Adults and older children cannot seem to fathom the attraction to that obnoxious beast that they think should be extinct like his fellow dinosaurs. As if his jolly ways weren't enough, he is always accompanied by a posse of annoying, brainwashed, and overacting-to-the-ends-of-the-world children! No, actually most of them are adolescents who should be hanging out w/their friends, playing video games, and shopping at the mall instead of subjecting themselves to such a lame excuse for entertainment. Well, I guess it does entertain the young children.  
  
So how does this relate to The Matrix? In more ways than you'd think, actually. Well before I delve into the actual reasons, let me give you some background on my "inspiration" for writing this.  
  
My mom made these undeniable parallels between Barney and the Agents in The Matrix apparent to me. She, unfortunately, must endure many hours of the show due to my 2 ½ year old sister's undying affinity for the homely fuschia dinosaur and his "gang". My mother has found herself under the inescapable influence of the grotesquely catchy tunes that are incessantly sung on that show. They are stuck in her head day and night. My heart goes out to her…  
  
Once my little sister asked her, "What's wrong?" My mom's reply was, "I'm trapped in my mind!" Because quoting The Matrix is like one of my pastimes considering how often I do it, I couldn't resist asking her, "Like a prison for your mind?" So parallel number one is: Both Barney and the Agents trap your mind. Barney through catchy songs and the Agents through the Matrix (a computer programmed prison for your mind as opposed to a dinosaur programmed prison for your mind). Pretty sneaky…   
  
Not only do they control your mind, but also your life! I wouldn't have believed it either, but whenever my little sis can't think of anything to do she goes downstairs, puts the tape in the VCR, turns the TV on and presses play. She's two! Now that's addiction, and not by choice, mind you. Since my sister's life is controlled, so thus is my mother's as well. Oh the humanity! Parallel number two: Your life is controlled by either a big violet dinosaur or a bunch of sadistic machines, you choose.  
  
And boy are those Agents ever sadistic! They are seemingly stuck in sadist mode. Now Barney, on the other hand, is stuck in disgusting perkiness. I don't know which is worse! Numero tres: Both are stuck in one personality mode for their entire existence. Well at least they're not schizophrenic.   
  
To add to their sickly monotonous personalities, they both irritatingly insist on calling people by fake names for parallel number 4. The Agents will only refer to Neo as Mr. Anderson because they can only control the latter one. Meanwhile, Barney is jovially playing with "Michael", "Tina", or some other pseudonym, which really isn't that person's name. Their real names are probably Joe and Bob.   
  
Thankfully, they can only call the people by fake names when they are actually in a physical form (or in a large costume). Number five is that both Barney and the Agents can only appear when people are around. For the Agents this is because they need a hardwired body to take on in the Matrix and for Barney he is the kids' special imaginary friend. When people aren't present Barney is just a stuffed animal and who knows what the agents are.   
  
While the Agents are in physical form they aren't always too bright, though. I mean, come on, wouldn't they think it a little bit logical to check other places besides Neo's cubicle when they come to his office building? Jeez. And then Barney, well there just isn't much to say for his brains (remember dinosaurs supposedly only had brains the size of chickens, and they were living things not a stuffed animal come to life!). Thusly, neither of the two being the brightest crayons in the box is parallel number 6.  
  
Despite their lack of smarts, many have found it a better option to just give in to their force. My mom was one of those who fell into the trap. She said, "I've found it's better to just surrender to it [the ever-present songs] than to try and fight it." Noooo, don't do it!! That's exactly what they want you to do! Aaaah oh well, she's beyond help, the poor soul. So unless you are one of the resistance, you should just surrender to the Matrix and Barney (whichever applies to your current situation) for parallel number seven.   
  
Now the resistance really is a great thing. They have finally found the reincarnate of "The One" who will destroy the agents. All we're waiting for now is the return of Sesame Street to rid us of this disgusting Barney phenomenon. I definitely need to see the Oracle about this one 'cause we need to be saved! (Okay it's a sad excuse for a parallel but this is the 8th one. So sue me!)  
  
What we are in need of saving from is an attempt at creating "a perfect world". This was what the Agents originally attempted to do with the first Matrix and Barney tried to do with all the sharing and caring bull. Okay, it's nice for a time, but I mean nobody can seriously be good all the time. What fun is that? This no fun time is number 9.   
  
When Neo destroyed Agent Smith he exploded into little pieces. I wonder what it would look like if Barney were to be exploded into little pieces…. Hmmm * plots a malevolent scheme for the irradication (is that even a word?) of the big purple dinosaur * uhhh, ahem let me continue now. The tenth parallel is that they could both be green inside (Hey, Smith was. Who knew?).  
  
Alright, alright so if you nit-pick the two aren't that much alike. But it amused me so it was worth it. And besides, who wouldn't pay money to see Barney do kung fu? Hehehe.  
  



End file.
